“It was an accident,” she said.
An accident. The first time. She hadn’t intended it to go there, and yet… it was the right time, kind of. It was awkward, and, not sure, and…
She’s not sure if she can do it again. I told her we’ll wait for if - or when - the time is right again. I dearly, dearly hope that there is a time that’s right again in the future.
They say you should live your life as if you might die the next day. Ideally you should live your life in a way that you would have no regrets if you were to die today.
I certainly have no regrets about what we’ve done and I’m glad we did, but I certainly hope taht I have at least a couple of months left to live so that we can make love before I die.
An accident… I’m treating it almost as if didn’t happen, except for this: there won’t be so much pressure for the “first time” to be right next time, so next time… when the time is right, I won’t be worried about the first time; I’ll just be worried about making love to her.
I want there to be candles.
——————————————————————————————————-
She gave me a tag. She gave me a tag and she calls me Lucky. I’m the big bad wolf, and I’m her lucky puppy.
I told her it was dangerous. I told her I was scared. I told her that taking on my puppy side is taking on my innocent side. I told her that my puppy side may never recover if she hurts that part of me. I told her that was not a part of me she could abuse. Hurt the rest of me all you want — I can take care of it — but me trusting you with the pup within is giving you a key to my heart that I’m terrified to let anyone have.
I’m a pup who’s been hurt before.
———————————————————————————————————
We were with her friends, we were at a aparty. A small party, with drinks, and light. I didn’t know most of them well. Her friends, her innocent friends, and me, the wolf sitting in the corner, behind her. Watching. Absorbing.
Most of her friends didn’t know about me. Didn’t know my nature. Didn’t perceive the secrets I could see through my golden eyes, didn’t know my past, didn’t know my likes. Most of them are young, ignorant. Some of them have brilliance of their own, but some of them would be astounded, appalled, perhaps even scared by the volumes I hold within my mind.
She likes me. She likes the innocent me and the intelligent me. She likes my nature. She likes the way I see the world, and she wants to understand it. She understands, and even craves, the hunger in my eyes.
——————————
They got their drinks, they talked. They talked about nothing, and they talked about politics. They talked about who they loved and who they hated; they talked about who they wanted to fuck.
And I bristled. They talked about who they wanted to fuck, and internally I started to starl at their ignorant, human prejudices. I started to snarl and I tried to hide my narrowing eyes. I kept my mouth shut and offered only the smallest comment to change the direction of the conversation.
I was pretty quiet, so generally if my words were chosen wisely I could make small changes in the trajectory of the conversation.
————————————
“Stupid people!” I growled. I was with Josh, a bear, a friend. “Why do they get so caught up in these meaningless things!”
I paced, the memory of a low growl rumbling in my chest.
“I know,” he said. “It pisses me off too.”
He was calm, collected. Sitting in his apartment, his “cave,” where he hides from the rest of the world.
Josh was like me. So much like me and so different too. Older, weathered by the pains of living in the in-between space we live in. A bear, a daddy, a shadow-soul, and an introvert.
I spend my time in in-between spaces in so many ways. Male, female. Wolf, human. Adult, child. Introvert, and studier of human beings…
From a young age I felt an unusual connection with animals. I gravitated towards them. I communicated with them. I shared my displeasure of human things, a caution of the unknown, and a life-saving intensity to understand the world that surrounds me.
I imagined myself to be one of them. A spotted cat in the savannah, or a wolf in America. I watched the birds and hares around me with the intensity of a predator and the lament of a human. It seems that humans have acapacity for emotional pain like no others do, and I lamented that my hands were too weak and my paws too slow to catch prey like my brothers. So I sat with my eyes and I watched the nature around me, and I dreamed that I was a predator living among them.
I am a puppy. I wonder at gurgling brooks and I splash partners in play. I chase birds just because and I like to pounce & roll & wrestle.
Josh knows this about me. He knows how I wonder at the world around me and he understands how my eyes narrow when there’s a squirrel nearby. He understand the frustration in my eeyes when I hold fast on my human legs. He feels it too, and I am quicker than he.